To let myself go

by Ane Brun

To let myself go
To let myself flow
Is the only way of being
There´s no use telling me
There´s no use taking a step back
A step back for me.

. . .

it’s pointless, it’s useless
heading that direction
but i can’t help it, i can’t stop it, i can’t deny it.

and it bewilders me.

how to be a better writer

words are special.

words are precious.

words are magical.

words have the ability to lift a person, to inspire a great idea, to reveal and to hide.

it is no secret that i love to write. writing is my life. i do not think i will ever stop writing.

anybody can write, and any person can be a wordsmith. and as someone once told me, ‘writing is not a talent, it is a skill’.

like all skills, writing can be honed, it can be improved, it can evolve.

but being a writer is not enough. to me at least. i say that because i want to be a good writer, a better writer, a magnificent writer. i want to be remembered for my writing. i want my writing to inspire, to impact and to uplift others.

my writing however, is nowhere near excellent and nowhere near the stuff of legends. i do not think it’s a bitter pill to swallow. i admit that i have a long way to go. good writers must understand that writing is never about feeding one’s ego, it’s not about seeing your name in print.

i used to be that sort of writer. a writer who relishes seeing her bylines up in various publications. there is no harm in that of course. it is not wrong to be satisfied.  but in all that satisfaction, there needs to be a constant awareness that in writing, the ceiling of perfection is sky high. what you think might be good, others might see it as crap. of course you have to consider who’s your audience as well. then there’s the ‘voice’ and the ‘emotive’ factor. does your writing move people, does it inform, does it enrich. when people read your writing, do they feel like they’ve taken something from it?

some think that writing is simply just w-r-i-t-i-n-g. the placement of linear letters and punctuations on a medium (paper or in today’s age, computer screens). some do it just to pay the bills. others do it because they are bored. everyone has their reasons. i write because i am passionate about words, about the weight a string of sentence holds. i write because i want to not because i have to. and i strive to be a better writer.

good writers read ferociously. great writers don’t just read, they sleep with their books. they breathe books and words and the meaning behind the words.

while searching for writing tips, i came across these points by Jennifer Jeffrey, a writer and editor: 

1. Write every day. You don’t have to show it to the world, but you absolutely must do it. Writers write, and that’s all there is to it.

2. Read every day. Read chocolate labels, read magazines, read short stories. Read the New York Times. Read the novels on the Booker nominated list. Read the books on the Pulitzer nominated list. Read, notice, pay attention. The more good stuff you read, the better your writing will become.

3. Edit yourself. Train yourself to slice out 25-50% of the witty, clever, insightful words and sentences that you labored for hours to string together. Cut, pillage. Be ruthless.

darn right she was. it’s common sense really, but sometimes you need to be reminded of the obvious.

and the obvious thing is to never forget to do these three important steps.

writers must never be complacent, and never think that they don’t need practice. i know i am guilty of thinking that sometimes. but as this new year unravels itself, i will make sure i write more, and write often and write voraciously.

i am always used to carrying around a notebook wherever i go and i will make sure this year, i continue to do that and remember to write in it. i have a really nice purple notepad holder that’s a nice size (pictured above). it was a gift from a friend and that is going to be my sponge. it’s refillable so that’s a bonus.

and i will use this space to air my writings. yes, i think that’s a good plan.

onwards 2009

and away i write,

passionately.

possibilities

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” – Khalil Gibran

a friend of mine posted that quote on her facebook yesterday.

the moment i finished reading it, i paused.

and together with it, my heart, skipped a beat. 

imagine that.

imagine meeting a person who would say those words in the exact context.

to you.

to me.

or for me to meet some one to whom i can say those words and have him know what i mean, without additional explanation.

it sounds romantic. but is that what love is? perhaps. to say someone is YOUR life, now that’s a huge leap. that’s major. but in a way, when read and implied simply, it can also be oh-so-sweet. it just shows that the person does care. about you. every bit of you. the good, the bad, the ugly. for that, you need to love fully, you need to love selflessly, and you need to love freely. it’s best when the love is reciprocated, in equal measures i suppose.

now that brings me to something my cousins and i were chatting about just now. here’s the question:

‘is it better to love the other person more or have it the other way?”

we couldn’t come up with a definite answer. it sure sucks though, to feel for someone in a certain way and know that he/she might not return those exact feelings.

that is one reason why i have never ever openly declared interest even though i might feel something towards the person. or rather, i’ve never been the first one too. any fool will know why. nobody likes rejection. but there are times where i feel so brave that i think i might actually do it. make the first move, be the proactive one or whatever you call it. and when i do, i start to panic and i change my mind. silly me, i’d say. there’s no way he would ever see you that way – you’re too much of a buddy-esque friend.

after giving it much thought, i realise that i actually do sympathise with the guys. being of the gender with so much expectations especially when it comes to making the first move and putting themselves out there – there’s so much vulnerability. so much at stake. so much to lose and so little to gain.

but i too wonder, how do they zone in on who to chase after? do they have a visual image of the ‘girl of their dreams’? that’s quite a silly question, come to think of it. do guys have a checklist like the girls?

then i think of the ‘man of my dreams’? and i draw a blank. i have come to understand and realise that dreams are but just dreams. reality is harsh and i have play it by ear. every encounter is different and every experience has different outcomes.

sure, like i’ve blogged here before, i want someone with similar interests, someone who loves me for the way i am, someone who’s comfortable in his own skin and of course someone who gets me. yes that’s vague, very vague.

then what? should i take it literally? like my recent dream about a certain some one? no way is his name going to be mentioned here. but i actually dreamt of us together. surprisingly i did not wake up with an ‘urgh’ feeling. but it was just very interesting. maybe it’s because of my active mind (yes i do dream alot)

tricky tricky. or maybe not.

the possibilities are endless. some say read the signs, others say, make it work, do whatever it takes whether it involves risk. eventually, they say that all you need is love, love will conquer all. i say yes, but you need a sensible mind to measure up reality. to know when you’re pursuing a lost cause or if the other person sees you only as a friend.

now that’s something to think about.

if only the world were simpler huh.

a promising 2009

i am extremely grateful for the blessings i’ve gotten in 2008.
i have learnt and grown so much and even though 2009 is threatening to be a year of uncertainty, i will push on.
i will rely on Him.
i will draw strength from Him
i will run with Him and to Him.
i lift up my life to you oh Lord. let me not be shrouded in fear and despair.
2009 will be a year where i will pursue you like never before.
it will be a time of renewed faith and service.
i love You so much and i thank You for loving me.

i will breathe the breath that you gave me to breathe…

You never let go

by Matt Redman
From the album Passion 06: Everything Glorious

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chorus: (2x’s)

_________________________________
*i’m blasting Matt Redman as i’m writing this. another song of his i really like is ‘breathing the breath’.

 

it’s uncanny how God speaks to us when we least expect it. well that’s God for you. and i adore Him and i am so thankful to be able to breathe the breath He gave me.

today’s meditation in Word Among Us spoke volumes to me especially because i know that i have kind of slowed down my pace in running His race. because of work, and of my busy-ness, i have had so little time to pursue Him as much as i would like to. the second half of the year felt like i was giving more to other aspects of my life and offering God the leftover time. i don’t want that to continue. i miss serving fiercely at amplify, i miss being involved in amplify. it was a pity i couldn’t serve at the december yiss.

so today’s reading is John 20:1-8 and it talks about St. John’s aggressive race for God. How he kept running after Jesus in prayer, seeking more and more revelation of God’s plan of salvation, even in his old age. the meditation ended with this:

 ”take John as your guide, and resolve to run after Jesus in the coming year. Everyone wants to know Jesus more. But not everyone translates that desire into action. You can! Don’t miss any opportunity to draw near to him! Don’t miss any opportunity to lean against him and receive the love and grace that are always flowing from his heart.”

all i want to do right now is to keep running, to keep going after Him. i will lean on Him and i gladly receive His love. Lord God, you’ve given me so much this past year, you’ve been with me through the happy, sad, angry, confused, frustrated times. i truly am grateful to You. You never let go. You will never let go. for that i am eternally grateful

Lord, I want to be near you. Lead me to your dwelling place, where i can hear you speak and be filled with your grace and mercy.

self discovery

i am a hoarder. i hoard things. i hoard old things, really really old things.

things that should have been thrown out years ago. things that my mum wishes i would trash. things that now smell stale, full of dust but also thick with memories.

blame it on my sentimental nature. i have a soft spot for my possessions. it’s not so much that they are my prized possessions (depends on how you define prized. my definition has nothing to do with monetary value) but rather the emotions that are branded with it. i am not sure how to explain it. but if you know me, you’d understand.

my cupboards and drawers and shelves and boxes and so on…. they are all filled with things i have kept to remember a certain event, occasion, celebration. yes i keep a lot of things. my mum calls it clutter but i just call it my environment. but clutter can get out of hand some times, especially when you have more stuff you want to keep. i had to make space for new stuff so yesterday i did some spring cleaning.

i emptied my cupboards, and threw out the stuff that i really have no use for – case in point: empty boxes (seriously. i don’t know why i keep boxes, and i’m talking about the packaging that comes with things i buy. like perfume, toiletries, chocolates etc). i showed no mercy and it was good.

then i came upon a cupboard stuffed with what looked like notebooks and journals. i took them out to read and i walked down memory lane.

i don’t really keep diaries but i do have notebooks that i carry around whereever i go. i carried notebooks when i was studying (duh. for notes in lectures) and when i travelled. i still carry one in my bag everywhere i go. you never know when inspiration will hit you. yes i am a huge believer of inspirational outbursts.  i have them all the time.

so the books i found, they were from way back. okay not waaaay back. but quite some time back. there were some dated 2003 all the way to 2006. i even found the notebook that i kept when i was in Brisbane for two months completing my print journ internship.

reading my past thoughts and going through what i was thinking back in the day – that was pretty nostalgic. it was as if i was reliving my past. there were scribbles about a really sweet and kind Taiwanese dude who fancied me and would do the sweetest things (like buy a huge bucket of chocolate popcorn because he knew i loved it). he had been living in Brisbane for about 8 years (again, it helps to have a notebook with facts ;p) and was living with some Singaporeans in a house they shared. that’s how we met. one of the girls on the internship with me knew the Taiwan dude’s housemates. anyway, it appears that i did not reciprocate the feelings but the entries that were closer to the day i was to come home showed that his efforts did get to me a little. it appears that i was moved, slightly. my present self finds it very amusing. it made me think how silly i was back then.

first of all, the dude and i hardly talked. i had to muster up whatever mandarin i could and he tried his best to speak the best english possible. it was quite comedic. we understood each other but other than the sweet things he’d do for me, there wasn’t much, although he was a great cook. haha.  to cut the story short, we both knew that i was going home and that nothing would probably come out of it. and indeed nothing did. i soon forgot him.

old things really make you remember stuff, stuff stuck in the recesses of your memory waiting to be taken out when the appropriate prompter culls it out. in this case, old stuff. old notebooks, old memories and old writings. that’s one of the reason why i love to read and write. words hold so much. words to me are precious and like poetry, when strung together artfully, can evoke emotions that stirs even the hardest of hearts.

words make concrete what some thoughts never can. thoughts are swift, thoughts are hard to catch and keep. fleeting thoughts become as momentary as a once a year birthday. words provide the stage for discovery. self discovery. discovery of  life and the great beyond.

we must discover ourselves,

before we can discover others

or the other.

cultivate an attitude of gratitude

i went for Amplify this friday. it was the last Amplify session of the year. i’m glad i went.

leo gave a talk and touched on a very simple yet very important message. he spoke about developing a heart of gratitude, appreciating what we have and positioning our hearts to receive the very best God wants to give to us.

he cited the story of the cleansing of the ten lepers in Luke 17:11. only one of them (the Samaritan) came back to thank Jesus, after which Jesus replied “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

i’ve read that passage many times but leo’s explanation gave me a new perspective. i’m going to summarise what he said:

there is a difference in being healed and in being whole. for the 9 lepers who got cleansed but didn’t recognise God’s intentions only got half of the deal. in order for our lives to be full, we should recognise that there is something bigger, and greater that we should give thanks, praise and worship to. God made us for great things and he wants to make us whole. we are not perfect that’s why its important for us to seek wholeness in God.

it is with gratitude that we pave the way for recognition. it is when we are thankful for both the good, bad and ugly that we are made whole at the feet of Jesus.

being whole is being able to give more than you take. when we are whole, we are able to invest in relationships. the opposite of wholeness is brokenness and if most broken people tend to be emotionally dependent on people who surround them, in the long run, it will drain both parties.

unless gratitude is part of our nature, we will never be whole people. if we are not grateful, we cannot recognise the good and if we cannot recognise the good, we become resistant to God’s love.

it is like hanging a teflon pan on your heart. it is hard to have anything stick if you have teflon because of the non-stick qualities it possesses. because of this, we find it harder to recognise God’s love for us.

grateful people have hearts that are covered with velcro. they cherish everything God has to give, and in turn recognising His love. that’s how they become whole, better people.

if a half cup of water was placed in front of you, would you say that it is half full or half empty? to this, leo gave a very refreshing answer. he said that to him, the answer you give is not indicative of how optimistic or pessimistic you are but about how much you cherish what you have. if you say it is half full, you are someone who cherishes life, and everything in it, even however little you have. if you say it is half empty, it is clear how ungrateful a person might be, for whatever little he/she has. so simple but so true.

at the end of the day, God just wants us to live whole and full lives. but by doing that, we need to be able to be conscious of how much we have and thank God for it. every little bit goes a long way. every failure, every set back, every bad day is there for a reason. it might be difficult but we should be grateful for it. at least we know that it makes us stronger, and that we are not facing it alone.

that said, i can also say that it is not easy to be grateful when the times are tough. it is not easy to praise and thank God when our own lives feel like they suck. but sometimes, it is not about basking in the sorrow or joining in the pity party, but rather, about turning towards the ray of light, however weak it might be, and to just recognise that God is here with us every step of the way. we just have to be grateful for whatever comes our way.

life it is not easy. but it isn’t so difficult either, when God is by our side.

i should know better.

Thank you God for everything that has happened this year, for the happy times, the sad times, the frustrating, the angry and hopeless times. i thank you for the difficult parts and for the good parts and please help me to always recognise the good in each situation and never to let despair take over me. Amen.

it’s harder

to breathe easy these days.

i dream of …

a patisserie on wheels.

a travelling baker i shall be –

in dreams, in reality finally.

thank you Lord…

for friends true and dear – those who care enough to call  at 2am just to see if i’m okay, and to offer good advice and a listening ear.

for my ability to communicate – through words, speech and action.

for seeing me through the bumps i face - and sending help when i need it most.

for my optimism - for it will see me through many hard times.

for allowing me to fail – because i know you have a reason.

for speaking to me through my dearest friend:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” – Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)