messing up

in my life,

in the past 24 years of my life,

there were times when i messed up.

at 15, i went through a crisis. i got out of it.

i gradually fared better from 17 onwards.

19 to 21 was pretty okay, with slight bumps along the way.

22 and 23 were safe. then at 24, it happened again.

i

messed

up.

i was lost,  i was down.

i felt defeated. i was traumatised.

thrown into uncertainty, i felt small, miniscule, tiny. i wanted to disappear.

it probably isn’t such a big deal. but for me, it was huge, only because of the person that i am – ambitious, passionate, driven. i cannot stand the thought of messing up.

and the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy painted a similar scenario. and as always, there’s the ultimate starting and ending quotable narration; this time voiced by Karev:

“Surgeons are all messed up; we’re butchers, messed up, knife-happy butchers. We cut people up, we move on. Patients die on our watch; we move on. We cause trauma, we suffer trauma. We don’t have time to worry about all the blood and death and crap really makes us feel. It doesn’t matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that’s the point – all the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up.”

- Alex Karev, ‘Elevator Love Letter’, Grey’s Anatomy Season 5.

 

All the pain, fear and the crap. It really does make us push forward. I know for me it does. I might not be a surgeon. I might not be able to hold a scalpel but that does not mean I cannot relate to what Karev’s saying. The gist is clear. The over-arching message is obvious. Yes, the more mistakes I make, the more shitty I feel about myself but that makes me want to NOT be shitty. It makes me NOT want to be messed up. It makes me want to soar above it all. It makes me realise how necessary it was for me to mess up and how I needed that downtime. I needed to know that I’m not all that great after all. Experiences like that humble you. It’s one big lesson in humility and it shoves you a large dose of reality, which although not picture perfect 100% of the time, can be just what we need when the time comes.

Of course the fixing up part hurts . The recovery process does hurt.  But it hurts only because it is in the process. We need to get our egos crushed at times, to be able to resculpt the person we are, so that not only can we grin and bear and learn from our previous mistakes, but also mould ourself into the bright promising individual that we all strive to be. Only difference is that when the time comes, there strife has done most of the work.

So yes, there is a point to it all.

there is a reason why we all have to mess up at some point in life. mess-ups have a purpose. they scar for a reason.

the scars are there because we need to be reminded. we need to realise. we need to get a grip and

clean up the mess.

that’s really what matters most.

a week of surprises

i really like surprises.

and i have had my fair share last week.

one was really sweet, delicious and magical,

and the other,

let’s just say it was out-of-the-ordinary.

both were pleasant but i did prefer one over the other.

but that’s because the context was completely different.

i’m glad for both. let’s see where things go from here.

growing up and growing old

all of a sudden, during my bus ride home yesterday, i felt

grown up.

i cannot describe it.

i only know that the feeling wasn’t so dreadful.

it was as though i was at the movies, watching myself,

my present 24+ year old self.

perhaps it’s the fatigue,

the late nights,

the espresso filled veins of mine.

and they say grown ups don’t have fun – they work themselves to death.

i used to shudder at that precise thought.

am i that obsessive? am i that old?

no

i beg to differ.

there is a difference between growing up and growing old.

sorry but i would like to think that i’m just growing into the next season of my life. i am not ageing, not in the mental sense. my body might soon show signs of old age, in the next few decades or so. i might lose that glow and that spring in my step. i might i might i might. but i won’t focus on that.

i’m very happy in fact. happy with my current place in life. seated comfortably in my mid-2os. maybe i will think differently next year. or maybe i don’t want to think about it at all.

maybe i don’t really want to grow up. maybe i don’t want to be jaded and i don’t want to stop hoping for the best that life has to offer. correct me if i’m wrong but i just cannot help but notice tiny streaks of resignation in the voices of the elder and senior. it’s as though they regret not living life when they could, not being as hopeful as they should have been.

well, as Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy once said,

 ”I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up, I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.”

i don’t suppose that we ever really grow up.

and i think the latest movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button proves that point.

I for one, cannot stop thinking about this quote – it’s from the postcard Button wrote to his daughter:

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

what we need, really,

is pure courage to run forth towards our goals and dreams,

not matter how hard it seems. to grow upwards, forwards, as we go through life.

if Benjamin Button can grow younger as the days go by,

why can’t we?

age, is afterall, just a bloody

number.

doubts

we have them all the time.

it’s that split second or wrenching days and months of doubt. you either doubt yourself or others or situations or God.

whether self-doubt or just plain doubt, they’re all the same.

D-O-U-B-T.

the lack of certainty.

the lack of concrete and the presence of thin air.

the absence of faith and the presence of distrust.

but i think that the worse type of doubt is self-doubt.

i have been down that road and back

and it really is disheartening. doubt brings about discord. that much i know. when i doubt myself, i get very displeased,

with myself.

my mind fights itself

the thoughts wrestle.

when that happens, i stop,

i look upwards

i feel God,

and my soul soars.

thank you Lord for making it possible to trust myself even when doubts arise.

heaven

 “I believe in Heaven. I also believe in Hell. I’ve never seen either but I believe they exist. They have to exist because without a heaven, without a hell we’re just all headed for limbo. Heaven, Hell, Limbo, no one really knows where we’re going or what’s waiting for us when we get there.  But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty, is that there are moments that take us to another place – moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that’s all we need to know.“

- Denny, Grey’s Anatomy Season Six, ‘Stairway to Heaven’ episode.

time and again,

again and again,

and yet again, i am quoting something from Grey’s Anatomy.

i have just watched the latest episode of their latest season.

and i loved it. the entire episode was great in its entirety.

the script, the plot, the acting, the subtext – all were done brilliantly.

and i cried, alot, as i always do when Grey’s Anatomy does their emotional rollercoaster episodes.

but what i love most about this episode (titled ‘Stairway to Heaven’) was how Mark Wilding (the scriptwriter who wrote it this episode) managed to intertwine miracles, compassion, pain, death, forgiveness, imperfection, acceptance, and love in less than an hour. i particularly liked the quote Denny narrated. and i agree with it.

one need not be religious to be familiar with the notion of heaven, hell and limbo and sometimes it is true that we need to focus less on how we get there and just relish our own moments of heaven. the pockets of happy days and unforgettable ones.

there are two meanings to heaven and i believe in both. i want to go to heaven and i certainly enjoy my moments of heaven on earth. Heaven is God’s gift to us. Heaven is a place of no worries, no anger, no hatred, no animosity, nothing bad whatsoever. it certainly is an optimistic outlook. it might not be reality but in my Heaven, rainbows never cease, butterflies never stop fluttering, it is a place where the sun is always shining, over the fields of sunny yellow sunflowers, with adorable floppy ear bunnies hopping about, apple trees included, a picnic-galore place where everyone’s having tea at anytime of the day – scones, muffins, pies, and of course there’s God. that’s the best part.

the life that i have might not be considered as Heaven in the earthly context, but i thank God everyday for it. for giving me a life of meaning, a life that i can use to do His work. i don’t need to know where heaven, hell, or limbo is. i just know that i will love like there’s no tomorrow and that heaven will come some day.

right now, i will just cherish my personal heavenly moments here on mother earth.

what do you wish for?

more money? a better paying job? a boyfriend or a girlfriend? or perhaps a better pair of shoes.

every single day, a wish is bound to cross our minds. the grass is forever greener on the otherside. we all want the good things. we yearn for the stuff of dreams. there’s a certain appeal in things that seem so out of reach.

a wish is also an admittance that we think we are lacking. we think we don’t have it  and we therefore want it and wish for it. but maybe, just maybe, we’ve been wishing for all the wrong things.

the recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy has Meredith narrating this quote, and it made things crystal clear, like always…

“We all get at least one good wish a year, over the candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more;  on eye lashes, fountains, lucky stars and every now and then, one of those wishes come true. So what then? Is it as good as we’d hope? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or do we just notice we’ve got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished? We wish because we need help and we’re scared and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes they come true.”  - Meredith (Grey’s Anatomy, Season 6)

the more i read it, the more i agree with it.

i say it’s all in the hope.

the hope that our wish might some day come true.

afterall, a world without hope is a world  not worth living.

and hope, well,

it uplifts,

it makes you soar

and hope, well  it does bring

about amazing things.

 

To let myself go

by Ane Brun

To let myself go
To let myself flow
Is the only way of being
There´s no use telling me
There´s no use taking a step back
A step back for me.

. . .

it’s pointless, it’s useless
heading that direction
but i can’t help it, i can’t stop it, i can’t deny it.

and it bewilders me.

how to be a better writer

words are special.

words are precious.

words are magical.

words have the ability to lift a person, to inspire a great idea, to reveal and to hide.

it is no secret that i love to write. writing is my life. i do not think i will ever stop writing.

anybody can write, and any person can be a wordsmith. and as someone once told me, ‘writing is not a talent, it is a skill’.

like all skills, writing can be honed, it can be improved, it can evolve.

but being a writer is not enough. to me at least. i say that because i want to be a good writer, a better writer, a magnificent writer. i want to be remembered for my writing. i want my writing to inspire, to impact and to uplift others.

my writing however, is nowhere near excellent and nowhere near the stuff of legends. i do not think it’s a bitter pill to swallow. i admit that i have a long way to go. good writers must understand that writing is never about feeding one’s ego, it’s not about seeing your name in print.

i used to be that sort of writer. a writer who relishes seeing her bylines up in various publications. there is no harm in that of course. it is not wrong to be satisfied.  but in all that satisfaction, there needs to be a constant awareness that in writing, the ceiling of perfection is sky high. what you think might be good, others might see it as crap. of course you have to consider who’s your audience as well. then there’s the ‘voice’ and the ‘emotive’ factor. does your writing move people, does it inform, does it enrich. when people read your writing, do they feel like they’ve taken something from it?

some think that writing is simply just w-r-i-t-i-n-g. the placement of linear letters and punctuations on a medium (paper or in today’s age, computer screens). some do it just to pay the bills. others do it because they are bored. everyone has their reasons. i write because i am passionate about words, about the weight a string of sentence holds. i write because i want to not because i have to. and i strive to be a better writer.

good writers read ferociously. great writers don’t just read, they sleep with their books. they breathe books and words and the meaning behind the words.

while searching for writing tips, i came across these points by Jennifer Jeffrey, a writer and editor: 

1. Write every day. You don’t have to show it to the world, but you absolutely must do it. Writers write, and that’s all there is to it.

2. Read every day. Read chocolate labels, read magazines, read short stories. Read the New York Times. Read the novels on the Booker nominated list. Read the books on the Pulitzer nominated list. Read, notice, pay attention. The more good stuff you read, the better your writing will become.

3. Edit yourself. Train yourself to slice out 25-50% of the witty, clever, insightful words and sentences that you labored for hours to string together. Cut, pillage. Be ruthless.

darn right she was. it’s common sense really, but sometimes you need to be reminded of the obvious.

and the obvious thing is to never forget to do these three important steps.

writers must never be complacent, and never think that they don’t need practice. i know i am guilty of thinking that sometimes. but as this new year unravels itself, i will make sure i write more, and write often and write voraciously.

i am always used to carrying around a notebook wherever i go and i will make sure this year, i continue to do that and remember to write in it. i have a really nice purple notepad holder that’s a nice size (pictured above). it was a gift from a friend and that is going to be my sponge. it’s refillable so that’s a bonus.

and i will use this space to air my writings. yes, i think that’s a good plan.

onwards 2009

and away i write,

passionately.

possibilities

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” – Khalil Gibran

a friend of mine posted that quote on her facebook yesterday.

the moment i finished reading it, i paused.

and together with it, my heart, skipped a beat. 

imagine that.

imagine meeting a person who would say those words in the exact context.

to you.

to me.

or for me to meet some one to whom i can say those words and have him know what i mean, without additional explanation.

it sounds romantic. but is that what love is? perhaps. to say someone is YOUR life, now that’s a huge leap. that’s major. but in a way, when read and implied simply, it can also be oh-so-sweet. it just shows that the person does care. about you. every bit of you. the good, the bad, the ugly. for that, you need to love fully, you need to love selflessly, and you need to love freely. it’s best when the love is reciprocated, in equal measures i suppose.

now that brings me to something my cousins and i were chatting about just now. here’s the question:

‘is it better to love the other person more or have it the other way?”

we couldn’t come up with a definite answer. it sure sucks though, to feel for someone in a certain way and know that he/she might not return those exact feelings.

that is one reason why i have never ever openly declared interest even though i might feel something towards the person. or rather, i’ve never been the first one too. any fool will know why. nobody likes rejection. but there are times where i feel so brave that i think i might actually do it. make the first move, be the proactive one or whatever you call it. and when i do, i start to panic and i change my mind. silly me, i’d say. there’s no way he would ever see you that way – you’re too much of a buddy-esque friend.

after giving it much thought, i realise that i actually do sympathise with the guys. being of the gender with so much expectations especially when it comes to making the first move and putting themselves out there – there’s so much vulnerability. so much at stake. so much to lose and so little to gain.

but i too wonder, how do they zone in on who to chase after? do they have a visual image of the ‘girl of their dreams’? that’s quite a silly question, come to think of it. do guys have a checklist like the girls?

then i think of the ‘man of my dreams’? and i draw a blank. i have come to understand and realise that dreams are but just dreams. reality is harsh and i have play it by ear. every encounter is different and every experience has different outcomes.

sure, like i’ve blogged here before, i want someone with similar interests, someone who loves me for the way i am, someone who’s comfortable in his own skin and of course someone who gets me. yes that’s vague, very vague.

then what? should i take it literally? like my recent dream about a certain some one? no way is his name going to be mentioned here. but i actually dreamt of us together. surprisingly i did not wake up with an ‘urgh’ feeling. but it was just very interesting. maybe it’s because of my active mind (yes i do dream alot)

tricky tricky. or maybe not.

the possibilities are endless. some say read the signs, others say, make it work, do whatever it takes whether it involves risk. eventually, they say that all you need is love, love will conquer all. i say yes, but you need a sensible mind to measure up reality. to know when you’re pursuing a lost cause or if the other person sees you only as a friend.

now that’s something to think about.

if only the world were simpler huh.

a promising 2009

i am extremely grateful for the blessings i’ve gotten in 2008.
i have learnt and grown so much and even though 2009 is threatening to be a year of uncertainty, i will push on.
i will rely on Him.
i will draw strength from Him
i will run with Him and to Him.
i lift up my life to you oh Lord. let me not be shrouded in fear and despair.
2009 will be a year where i will pursue you like never before.
it will be a time of renewed faith and service.
i love You so much and i thank You for loving me.

i will breathe the breath that you gave me to breathe…