funny how many things change as you grow older.

you are more wary about what you say, what you do and how you dress.

there is so much caution. so much preparation. so much worry.

too little spontaneity and fun.

as kids, we readily tell everybody we love that we love them.

kids are a loving bunch.

but as i grew older and as i dated,

and as each boy came and went, i find myself saying those three words less often.

perhaps it’s the doubt that had started to creep in. i wondered whether i actually meant it.

i’m sure i did. but i cannot be too sure if i understood its meaning.

all those times that i thought i was in love, i was actually searching.

and you know  you have found love when you are able to say it with such emotion

that it resonates and burns through you.

finally, i can say that i have found the one to whom the words mean more than just the sum of its phonetics or alphabets.

there were some issues. there were plenty of doubts. but we managed to talk it out and understand one another better.

now, i can say with all my heart and soul,

that meeting you was one of the best things that has happened

and i love you.

beats me.

i know that the only source of love i can ever trust wholeheartedly is the one from up above.

human love can be so frustrating. for all the wrong and right reasons. it wouldn’t bother you so much if it didn’t matter so much. but then again, it’s precisely because it matters so much that it frustrates you.

there is never a perfect measurement of certainty either.

i’ve never been the insecure girlfriend. neither have i been needy for attention. i don’t complain when i don’t hear from my boyfriend the entire day. but why do i kick up such a fuss when i don’t receive a reply from him? it irks me even more when i find out what the reason is. it’s pure laziness i say. fine, if you have a lot of things on your mind, then just say so.

i find it tiring sometimes. i don’t ask for much. i really don’t need material goods. all i want is just affirmation, confirmation that you care, and truly love me. i have a tendency to love freely. sometimes too freely and readily. please don’t make me ration out this love.

maybe i should stick to loving the one who has and will love me the most forever and ever till the day i die.

maybe i will focus my eyes on you dear Jesus.

and remember that true love comes from you.

i just opened up an email and the quote that was in the signature spoke volumes to me, especially at this point in my life. i don’t know who was the original author but i have to agree with it a hundred percent:

“The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take.
If you think that something will make you happy, go for it.
Remember that we pass this way only once.”

this morning i woke up with such promise and that turned into hope
which then transformed into understanding
and then into faith.
have you ever had that feeling?

a deep seated knowledge that it’s okay to be unsure, afraid, overwhelmed and lost.

only because there is someone higher than you, bigger than you, with more authority than you and One who loves you more than any other human being on earth.

the One who loves you so much that He gave up his life for you.

the One, the Only, the Marvellous, the Magnificent, the Wondrous, the Creator, the Almighty….

oh Lord God, there are days when I feel unworthy of your love, and moments when I feel guilty of not trusting you more. But I know that you love me and you have plans for me. My life is in your hands Lord. I praise you and thank you for the place I’m in. I might not understand it completely but I know it is going to be all right.

thank you for reminding me Lord.

it is amazing how the most unassuming means of communication can ignite a sudden gush of pure faith. this is what they mean when they say that God works in mysterious ways. like so:

“…faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty…Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, – that’s knowledge. It’s in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it’s all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive.” – somewhere on someone’s Facebook updates. She had a ‘what God wants you to know” application.

a stark and hopeful reminder indeed.

Praise you God.

you’re always moving in a direction in your life and you begin to understand the direction as you move through it – Thomas Keller, American chef, restaurateur and cookbook writer, owner of The French Laundry.

it sure as hell freaks me out in random spurts but i know i have to put it together.

random pieces,

broken pieces,

when pieced together,

they make sense

they reveal

what was meant to be.

i will trust in the Lord at all times.

is

myself.

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. Future is the home of our deepest fears. And our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain – when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it.” – Grey’s Anatomy, Season Five Finale

they couldn’t have written it any better.

i hate it when i am so unsure

of myself especially.

it has got to stop.

no more overthinking.

is a love like this:

yes it does exist. i will find it, some day.

i am afterall, a natural born optimist.

and i have hope.

too many thoughts, too little baskets to sort them in.

sometimes i wish i wasn’t so random.

sometimes i wish i didn’t feel too much.

and sometimes i just wish i knew EXACTLY what i want.