… you are a shallow self-absorbed individual who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved.

UrbanDictionary could not have said it better.

i was bored, and decided to google the definition of what you said to me. the very sentence that i found incomprehensible.

i don’t know what it means. but today i do. and i am glad you are out of my life. really really glad.

good riddance to a selfish prick like you.

you are a major cop out. you don’t deserve my love.

you will never find true love. ever. if you keep thinking this way.

It has been over a week.
I am stronger as ever.
There have been bumps.
Rollercoaster-type emotions.
Sudden tears on the bus.
Frustration and anger and grudges.
Could not understand why and how.
But it’s okay now.
I’m putting an end to it. I’m moving on. I’m done.
No more feeling like this.
No more feeling more than I should.
No more tears for him.
I’m worth so much more than this.
I deserve someone so much more better than him.
That chapter of my life has ended. I have closed the pages.
A brand new beginning, with no regrets and pessimism.

A dear girlfriend just sent me this song which sort of sums up what i’m feeling. i’m ever so ready to move on, full speed ahead….

若你碰到他 – 蔡健雅

我的脆弱堅強　互相作戰
理性與感性　失去平衡感
不想讓自己　活在過去的遺憾
問宇宙　他是否還愛我嗎
這問題　早就有答案

若你碰到了　替我問候他
告訴他　我過得很美滿
已忘記他　已把淚水全部擦乾
若你碰到了　替我問候他
祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他　不再愛也不再等待
就這樣吧　若你碰到他

愛　沒有絕對　雖曾經以為
我終於體會　愛不能倒退
該讓它頹廢　收起心碎

就這樣吧　若你碰到他

________________________________

If you met him – Tanya Chua

My fragility and strength, they fight this battle together,
Reason and perception, lost my equilibrium
Don’t want to allow myself to live in my past regrets
Asked the universe if he still loves me
I knew the answer to this question long ago

If you see him, send him my regards
Tell him I am very happy
I’ve forgotten him, I’ve washed all my tears away
If you see him, send him my regards,
Bless him and his other half
I don’t really care and I don’t love him and I will no longer wait
So be it if you see him

Although I once thought that love was absolute
I finally realise that love cannot go backwards
I ought to put away the heartbreak
So be it if you see him

_______________________________

to feel vulnerable.

to want to cry out.

to want to reach out and feel better.

i am thankful for great girlfriends who care.

for a beloved baby sister who’s the closest thing i ever have.

suddenly, i don’t feel like a broken vase anymore.

suddenly, i feel brand new.

God has been so kind and shown me what I needed to know.
He has once again lit the path for me.

Yesterday, when I needed it most, He spoke to me, through this song which I just randomly clicked on once i switched on my i-pod.  it brought tears to my eyes.

amazing. that what God is.

Here’s the lyrics. Great for any of you out there who feel empty or lost or sad or alone or hurt or angry …

_________________________

Cry out to Jesus

To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough

For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely (when you’re lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus

everything i thought i would not feel,
i felt.
everything i did not want to feel,
i felt.
everything i wish it was,
it wasn’t.
everything about it that wasn’t right,
i wish i could fix.
but things like this, aren’t meant to be fixed, when they did not fit
in the first place.

it took 8 months.
not too long a time to get sucked into it all,
but a long enough for me to feel what i have never felt before.

my heart is not as strong as i thought it was.
it’s not as feeble,
but not as solid as i hope it is.

i knew,
but i chose to ignore.
i sensed,
but i chose denial.

so now i have to pay the consequences.

at this point, God has proved once again,
that against all odds, even in moments of despair,
of heartbreak,
i can always turn to my Beloved.
my One and only.

so again i apologise to You my Beloved,
please just embrace me now tight,
as i try to bounce back,
and reel away from the pain.
the pain i pray will go away.
Amen.

funny how many things change as you grow older.

you are more wary about what you say, what you do and how you dress.

there is so much caution. so much preparation. so much worry.

too little spontaneity and fun.

as kids, we readily tell everybody we love that we love them.

kids are a loving bunch.

but as i grew older and as i dated,

and as each boy came and went, i find myself saying those three words less often.

perhaps it’s the doubt that had started to creep in. i wondered whether i actually meant it.

i’m sure i did. but i cannot be too sure if i understood its meaning.

all those times that i thought i was in love, i was actually searching.

and you know  you have found love when you are able to say it with such emotion

that it resonates and burns through you.

finally, i can say that i have found the one to whom the words mean more than just the sum of its phonetics or alphabets.

there were some issues. there were plenty of doubts. but we managed to talk it out and understand one another better.

now, i can say with all my heart and soul,

that meeting you was one of the best things that has happened

and i love you.

beats me.

i know that the only source of love i can ever trust wholeheartedly is the one from up above.

human love can be so frustrating. for all the wrong and right reasons. it wouldn’t bother you so much if it didn’t matter so much. but then again, it’s precisely because it matters so much that it frustrates you.

there is never a perfect measurement of certainty either.

i’ve never been the insecure girlfriend. neither have i been needy for attention. i don’t complain when i don’t hear from my boyfriend the entire day. but why do i kick up such a fuss when i don’t receive a reply from him? it irks me even more when i find out what the reason is. it’s pure laziness i say. fine, if you have a lot of things on your mind, then just say so.

i find it tiring sometimes. i don’t ask for much. i really don’t need material goods. all i want is just affirmation, confirmation that you care, and truly love me. i have a tendency to love freely. sometimes too freely and readily. please don’t make me ration out this love.

maybe i should stick to loving the one who has and will love me the most forever and ever till the day i die.

maybe i will focus my eyes on you dear Jesus.

and remember that true love comes from you.

i just opened up an email and the quote that was in the signature spoke volumes to me, especially at this point in my life. i don’t know who was the original author but i have to agree with it a hundred percent:

“The greatest regrets in our lives are the risks we did not take.
If you think that something will make you happy, go for it.
Remember that we pass this way only once.”

this morning i woke up with such promise and that turned into hope
which then transformed into understanding
and then into faith.
have you ever had that feeling?

a deep seated knowledge that it’s okay to be unsure, afraid, overwhelmed and lost.

only because there is someone higher than you, bigger than you, with more authority than you and One who loves you more than any other human being on earth.

the One who loves you so much that He gave up his life for you.

the One, the Only, the Marvellous, the Magnificent, the Wondrous, the Creator, the Almighty….

oh Lord God, there are days when I feel unworthy of your love, and moments when I feel guilty of not trusting you more. But I know that you love me and you have plans for me. My life is in your hands Lord. I praise you and thank you for the place I’m in. I might not understand it completely but I know it is going to be all right.

thank you for reminding me Lord.

it is amazing how the most unassuming means of communication can ignite a sudden gush of pure faith. this is what they mean when they say that God works in mysterious ways. like so:

“…faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty…Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, – that’s knowledge. It’s in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it’s all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive.” – somewhere on someone’s Facebook updates. She had a ‘what God wants you to know” application.

a stark and hopeful reminder indeed.

Praise you God.

you’re always moving in a direction in your life and you begin to understand the direction as you move through it – Thomas Keller, American chef, restaurateur and cookbook writer, owner of The French Laundry.

it sure as hell freaks me out in random spurts but i know i have to put it together.

random pieces,

broken pieces,

when pieced together,

they make sense

they reveal

what was meant to be.

i will trust in the Lord at all times.

is

myself.