what i choose.

after yesterday’s post, i kept thinking about what i typed.

it is not often that i feel off-tangent.

then i recalled this week’s season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. yes, the show i derive lots of inspiration from.

Derek Shepherd (a.k.a. McDreamy)’s quote rang loud and clear: 

“The human life is made up of choices – yes or no, in or out, up or down. And then there are other choices that matter – to love or hate, to be a hero or a coward, to fight or to give in, to live or die. Live or die, hero or coward, fight or give in…. Live or die – that’s the important choice. And it is not always in our hands.”

life and death.

we do not get to choose.

when or how or why.

death hasn’t been far of late. grannie passed last month and my uncle left us last week.

so i have been thinking. of what it means to leave this earth. i realised that i am not afraid of death. but i am very afraid of leaving this world without ever making an impact. i want to know that my life was meaningful. not just for myself but for others. true love is loving others more than yourself.

there are many things that i used to want for myself. slowly, the list got shorter.

i have not lost my ambition

i have not lost my motivation or determination to pursue my wildest dreams.

the only thing that has changed is the way i am going to do it.

there has to be a plan to even a silly dream. so what if i am not the smartest, richest, prettiest person in the world.

so what.

i will do it my way.

it starts today.

there can be no compromise. i have a good mentor at work now. and she has taught me alot within these past months.

it is painful to face the truth of my weakness. but try as i might. i will get to where i want to be. through sheer grit and hard work.

i cannot give up. i will not and i can never.

this is a new beginning for me.

this is version 2.0 of myself.

more on what that means,

later.