certainty one of the obstacles of happiness

my mood has yo-yoed alot of late.

there are days when i am elated. some days i just feel shitty. then there are moments of helplessness. tears will well up in my eyes.

i feel weird about it. but only because i am always sure of where i stand in the world that i am in. it is in my nature to try my darnest to push away grey clouds.

misery is not my best friend. i do not intend to be bosom buddies with it.

my refusal to accept gloom is a decision i made a long time ago.

today i am faced with one important factor that we all need – happiness. i think i used to be happier than i was now. before i became jaded, i thought the world was a bright and shiny harmless fishbowl. scrap that.

that’s probably what i thought was i was in kindergarten.

no, the truth is, i want to be able to be 100% happy. i do not want to rely on things of this world to be happy. nothing of that sort can make us blissful for the rest of our lives. i hate to be reliant on material goods to be happy.

simplicity is what i crave for. i am adverse to false pursuit of happiness. understandably, the definition of happiness varies with each individual. but i was just looking at my draft category for this site and came across something i typed out from an article in the Straits Times in July last year. In it, Shanghai-born psychologist Christopher Hsee was interviewed in The Straits Times (page A16) and his answers made me sit up and think hard about man’s pursuit of happiness. some insights were gleaned.

Here’s an excerpt:

Q: How much does living in an increasingly uncertain world hobble our happiness?

A: I’m not sure we face more uncertainty than our ancestors who had the uncertainty of survival. Uncertainty is not always bad. One of the obstacles to happiness is, in fact, certainty. Suppose someone could live in heaven where there’s all peace and certainty. He may be very happy at the beginning, but in the long run, people who adapt too much get bored.

Q: So being less able to adapt is good?

A: The point is that to increase or maintain happiness we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation. For example, if you have a very expensive granite countertop in your kitchen, you will adapt to the joy you get from it after a while. But if you have a puppy which is dynamic and variable, you cannot adapt to it easily and so it can give you pleasure for a longer time. Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts give us greater joy in the long run.

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I think this might be a sign.

Because at this point in time, i am not so certain about some parts of my life. part of me feels dead actually. not because i want it to. it is only this way because i am not the bright shiny person i once was.

i still try to be.

but the reality is this.

the cheeriness has faded.

the innocence and naviety splattered on.

a new version of me is emerging

i know who i am

but i don’t know what i will become.

it is still me. i will always be me.

the question is will it be a genuinely happy me?

perhaps this bit of uncertainty will get me by. or i could always get a pet cat. they are better companions than most humans anyway.