what i choose.

after yesterday’s post, i kept thinking about what i typed.

it is not often that i feel off-tangent.

then i recalled this week’s season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. yes, the show i derive lots of inspiration from.

Derek Shepherd (a.k.a. McDreamy)’s quote rang loud and clear: 

“The human life is made up of choices – yes or no, in or out, up or down. And then there are other choices that matter – to love or hate, to be a hero or a coward, to fight or to give in, to live or die. Live or die, hero or coward, fight or give in…. Live or die – that’s the important choice. And it is not always in our hands.”

life and death.

we do not get to choose.

when or how or why.

death hasn’t been far of late. grannie passed last month and my uncle left us last week.

so i have been thinking. of what it means to leave this earth. i realised that i am not afraid of death. but i am very afraid of leaving this world without ever making an impact. i want to know that my life was meaningful. not just for myself but for others. true love is loving others more than yourself.

there are many things that i used to want for myself. slowly, the list got shorter.

i have not lost my ambition

i have not lost my motivation or determination to pursue my wildest dreams.

the only thing that has changed is the way i am going to do it.

there has to be a plan to even a silly dream. so what if i am not the smartest, richest, prettiest person in the world.

so what.

i will do it my way.

it starts today.

there can be no compromise. i have a good mentor at work now. and she has taught me alot within these past months.

it is painful to face the truth of my weakness. but try as i might. i will get to where i want to be. through sheer grit and hard work.

i cannot give up. i will not and i can never.

this is a new beginning for me.

this is version 2.0 of myself.

more on what that means,

later.

certainty one of the obstacles of happiness

my mood has yo-yoed alot of late.

there are days when i am elated. some days i just feel shitty. then there are moments of helplessness. tears will well up in my eyes.

i feel weird about it. but only because i am always sure of where i stand in the world that i am in. it is in my nature to try my darnest to push away grey clouds.

misery is not my best friend. i do not intend to be bosom buddies with it.

my refusal to accept gloom is a decision i made a long time ago.

today i am faced with one important factor that we all need – happiness. i think i used to be happier than i was now. before i became jaded, i thought the world was a bright and shiny harmless fishbowl. scrap that.

that’s probably what i thought was i was in kindergarten.

no, the truth is, i want to be able to be 100% happy. i do not want to rely on things of this world to be happy. nothing of that sort can make us blissful for the rest of our lives. i hate to be reliant on material goods to be happy.

simplicity is what i crave for. i am adverse to false pursuit of happiness. understandably, the definition of happiness varies with each individual. but i was just looking at my draft category for this site and came across something i typed out from an article in the Straits Times in July last year. In it, Shanghai-born psychologist Christopher Hsee was interviewed in The Straits Times (page A16) and his answers made me sit up and think hard about man’s pursuit of happiness. some insights were gleaned.

Here’s an excerpt:

Q: How much does living in an increasingly uncertain world hobble our happiness?

A: I’m not sure we face more uncertainty than our ancestors who had the uncertainty of survival. Uncertainty is not always bad. One of the obstacles to happiness is, in fact, certainty. Suppose someone could live in heaven where there’s all peace and certainty. He may be very happy at the beginning, but in the long run, people who adapt too much get bored.

Q: So being less able to adapt is good?

A: The point is that to increase or maintain happiness we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation. For example, if you have a very expensive granite countertop in your kitchen, you will adapt to the joy you get from it after a while. But if you have a puppy which is dynamic and variable, you cannot adapt to it easily and so it can give you pleasure for a longer time. Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts give us greater joy in the long run.

_______________________________________________

I think this might be a sign.

Because at this point in time, i am not so certain about some parts of my life. part of me feels dead actually. not because i want it to. it is only this way because i am not the bright shiny person i once was.

i still try to be.

but the reality is this.

the cheeriness has faded.

the innocence and naviety splattered on.

a new version of me is emerging

i know who i am

but i don’t know what i will become.

it is still me. i will always be me.

the question is will it be a genuinely happy me?

perhaps this bit of uncertainty will get me by. or i could always get a pet cat. they are better companions than most humans anyway.