have you ever…

felt emotional, just by listening to a song with lyrics and tunes ringing out that exact moment in your life?

walked past someone who just for a split second seems to be a person you can see yourself with?

felt pure pleasure after downing one shot of hot dark chocolate?

wondered why this particular person in your life still refuses to speak to you?

tried to play pretend by going to the airport to stand at the departure gate as if you were gonna catch a flight to that place you’ve been dreaming of going?

met a person for the first time and found that the conversation was so good that it was as if you had known each other for years?

wished that you were born in a different time and place?

thought of what your dream house would look like?

imagined what disneyland is like?

ran so much till you feel like puking?

tried to blog at 12.20am about all the things that you’ve ever felt/done/tried/experienced/said/eaten?

.

yes, i have.

monday ramblings

today is a monday and i am on leave.

i wanted to go out and do something fun and exciting but i eventually settled for a quiet day at home. here’s what i did for most part of the day – read, think and ponder, indulging in some spurts of abrupt vain (yes i tend to check myself out in the mirror occasionally to see that i still look 18, even though i’m technically erm, 21) acts.

okay maybe not 21. i never feel good lying about my age. not that i’ve ever tried to. realistically speaking, i’m still at a young 24. funny how i vowed never to let myself be too overly concerned with age. it’s just a stupid number so that we can track how much life we have left and how much fun we’ve had, I used to say to myself.

ask me today if i am concerned about being 24 and having that number increasing with each cycle of 365 days and i will honestly tell you, ‘not really’. i don’t usually wake up dreading to face the fact that i am 24. i’ve never had a problem with that. but i believe others do. just when you think you are so comfortable being 24, people around you will remind you that it’s a number that signals maturity, seniority, and some would throw in the big ’m’ word – marriage. to think i used to tell myself that i will only marry when i’m old enough, say about 27 or 28. couples these days are marrying young. i don’t know the reason, but i know this: it has probably led my mother to think that her precious daughter is going to be a spinster because of the obvious fact that everyone else is getting married except her. mind you, this recent revelation of hers is bolstered by the knowledge that an amazing number of my friends are married/are getting married.

one case-in-point - my classmate from primary and secondary school, D.

D and I used to be real tight. we were classmates from primary one (age 7) to secondary 4 (age 16). she’s my age of course and just a few weeks ago, a text msg from her announced her marriage, one that was to take place in the coming weeks. i do not know why i was surprised. she did mention it before (in passing i think) that there was a possibility. i guess i am really very happy for her but yet i cannot help but let the ‘whoa’ word slip out of my mouth. why is it so difficult to believe that couples can marry young and be happy?

this made me think what a prude i might actually be. marriage is a union of two happy people in love – people who are sure they want to spend the rest of their lives together for better or for worse. yet a part of me always holds a suspicion – are they really sure? at this young age, are they really positive that this is the smartest decision they are ever going to make?

it is very telling. and as i’m typing this, i also realise one thing, that i do believe that love can happen no matter the age. however, i am swimming in a cold and cynical soup due to my past experiences.

but i will never stop believing in love and i will not rule out a possibility of me ever falling in love but i am unsure about how it feels, to love someone that much to want to live with and see him 24/7.

i’ve only had a grand (or maybe not so grand, seeing that i can easily count them on one hand) total of three relationships. i’ve never counted the one before the three because it was so laughable i thought it does not deserve to be counted as a relationship.

so i am not an expert when it comes to dating. i realised that these three people came into my life by default, not solely by choice. i admit that at these three points in my life, 18, 20 and 21, i did not know what love was. all i remember is that i belonged to an optimistic group of lovers, those who did not know what they wanted or how to get those things that they thought they wanted but were positive about it no matter. so there you have it, a young and happy girl who wanted to experience love but did not quite understand it. i found it nice to be loved by someone, to have someone care for you in a loving way, to be thought about, to be that person who can put a smile on someone else’s face. i liked that. what i did not expect to discover was that i loved my life and my ambitions and i was not prepared to put anyone before it. just a disclaimer – they were all good people, with good hearts and good character.

i know what you are thinking – selfish bitch. love is about sacrifice and caring about the other one more than yourself. yes that i understand, but i also understand that a healthy relationship is when both individuals are recognisable as two wholes who are able to complement each other and be on the same page when it comes to conversation and intention. it is also about having the other party understand your passions and love you enough to let you pursue it and not berate you and make you feel guilty for pursuing those passions.

it also takes a great amount of energy to consistently reassure a person who is constantly insecure and uncomfortable with himself. it is even harder to  be the one wearing the pants when you’re not supposed to. at this i insist that the issue is not about ‘the pants’, but the expectations each one has of a relationship. i believe that two parties must be able to lead the relationship in whichever aspect he or she is good at. i believe it is also about learning from and not patronising the other.

going through these relationships have made me discover more about myself. i suppose you can call it a process of elimination. you don’t know what you want until you have crossed out items from your list of criteria the elements that do not fit. i realised that it wasn’t their fault that we didn’t work out but more to do with my allowing that relationship take place when we both did not know each other enough. again, this opens another huge can of worms which i’m still figuring out.

in my ideal relationship, my partner is my best friend, my confidante and my life-partner, someone who shares my zest for life, for all things spontaenous and exciting and fun, with a good measure of prudence of course, and an intellectual thirst for stimulating discourse. now i am aware that that is alot to ask for. many people have told me that i’m asking for too much, that there’s no way i am ever going to find someone who fits the bill perfectly.  that i know, i always say. but in that knowledge, i also know that i can never again lie to myself and convince myself to stay with a person just because i might not ever find that ideal person who fits the bill. then there’s the other group of friends who believe that you never know until you try. i’ve gone down that lane and know full well that it is good to give it a shot but also equally important to back out once there’s a slight sign that it’s probably not going to work. how do i know then? how do i read the signs especially since i’m not an expert?

i honestly don’t know, i really don’t. right now, i am clueless. i am also taking it easy. singlehood has always seated comfortably with me, perhaps because i know who i am and i am not afraid to just hang out with myself. all my friends know that i am someone who needs her own independent space and is not afraid to fight for it. to others it might seem like i am fighting off people because of the fear of a failed attempt to experience love. but to me, it’s just an important cause to protect my heart and my sanity. i also think that timing plays an important role in this. timing is crucial and i believe it is the essence of it all.

i also do not know why i am typing all this down today. maybe i needed to get it out of my system. i needed to put the words out there so my future self can read and look back at my then state of mind. to make it clear, i did love them, but at the same time, i also love my friends and my family and loving someone is quite different from falling in love or being in love. it’s all too cliched but all too true.

it’s a brave admission too, to then boldly say that i will wait for however long it takes to find that love. even if it means that everyone around me is going to get married first. haha. to me, marriage is just one aspect of love and not a means to a blissful neverending path of sweet nothings and children. i trust God enough to know that in His time, i will find that special someone.