major rant

my posts here have dwindled. it’s not so much because i have nothing to write about but rather the lack of time. and i admit sometimes it is easier keeping the thoughts in my head, letting them swim round and round instead of freeing them here.

but i’m back, i will update often now. it doesn’t matter if no one reads it. this space was created for me to ponder, pander and doodle (in words of course). it’s a concerted effort to keep track of my millions of thoughts.

and right now, let’s just say it’s a new stage that i’m stepping on. granted, it’s the same curtains. maybe the same spotlights.

the audiences are the same – the ones who’ve existed and will only be quick to judge and comment. but then there are the exceptional few, the rare gems who do get me. those people i love, and cherish and enjoy their company. there’s nothing like the feeling of familiarity. when you can relate to someone and she/he, you.

when we talk about stages, we think transitions and when we mention transitions, we speak of chapters.

be it chapters, pages, sentences, or periods. one thing’s for sure -as we get older, we enter different life zones, we expect different things of ourselves and others of us. we have a heightened perception of things around us. we become wiser, sharper, mature and most of the times, more wary. i think it is okay to be wary. it is only natural. it’s a normal progression. the only thing is not to get caught up with it. it is very much like a kid learning to ride a bike vs. an adult doing the same. who’s going to be more cautious? the adult of course. kids have that sense of brave adventure and carefree attitude whereas adults, well after being very much aware of the scrapes and bruises they might get, would rather run away than face it.

it is so bloody easy to run away. especially if you think that your problems are bigger than everyone’s. it’s so easy to run away from people you dislike, or people who’ve hurt you or simply people you cannot be bothered to deal with. most of us run away because of the pain. the hurt. or the possibility of getting hurt.

it’s a reality. it’s human instinct and human nature. it happens. and this is what relationships are made of.

this is what life is all about. embracing the people you meet, be they strangers, friend or foe. accepting the worse days of your life, whether it involves bad grades, lost love, retrenchment. it is these very things that mould us, that make up who we are. just like any piece of metal, if an artist wants to create a beautiful sculpture, she/he has to knock it into shape, creating the very creased details that would make it a piece of art. likewise, we are a work in progress. we are never ever complete. we can only try to be. and it is in that effort, that zeal and perseverance that we find ourselves. find out who we were really meant to be and who we were meant to be with.

“there is a difference in what we long for, what we settle for and who we were meant for” - The Notebook.

i love that quote from the movie The Notebook. i do agree that it is natural for us to long for something or someone. it is also equally easy to settle when we can’t find the best and of course it is even more difficult to wait for the person we were meant for. the wait can be long and dreary but i believe it will all be worth it. at least that’s what i’m counting on. it’s tiring to go through the same motion, to find yourself stifled and lying to yourself. i’m sure you know what i mean. even when we buy something we don’t need, we will justify it by listing all its positive aspects. but you know what? self-justification just doesn’t cut it. if it’s good, it’s good. you won’t even need to question the reason you bought it. and ditto for whatever else i’ve just mentioned. if you need to question it even for a second, then perhaps you should wait. i am dead serious. i will never ever settle for anything less than the one i was meant for. i’m not looking for someone to complete me. i don’t believe in that ‘you make me whole’ crap. You need two wholes to make one whole, dammit. and when i mean whole, i don’t mean perfect. i mean self-awareness and the ability to accept yourself for who you are. i understand that my logic might be the most illogical bullshit but pardon me because i do know what i want and

all i desire

is

someone

who

gets me.