change.

Been anticipating the new season of Grey’s Anatomy and the scriptwriters sure didn’t disappoint. As I lapped up the episode with eager eyes (and ears), I found myself pondering on the varied dramatic situations surrounding the characters this time round. The interns are now residents and they are faced with a new set of challenges and issues. There’s Christina whom Burke left, Izzy and George and their on-going tension, Lexie Grey entering the scene, Derek not knowing what to do with Meredith and vice-versa. I won’t include any spoilers but I will include one quote, which I absolutely love:

“Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is … everything.” – Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy).

She couldn’t have said it better. Change is indeed everything. No one really fancies change though, because it uproots us from our warm and comfortable seats of complacency. When you’re too used to the old, you tend to be sceptical about the new, about the newly built pavement. You wonder if the concrete’s set yet, or if the wooden planks on that new wooden bridge is sturdy. You wonder, you ponder, you caution, teeter and pander and at the end of the day, you realise you just gotta suck it up and freakin’ move forward. Just cross the road/bridge already!

There’s only 3 basic choices:

1)You move forward, and take risks, expecting the unexpected, embracing challenge as they’re thrown at you. But as scary as it seems, there’s the prospect of the good amidst the bad and the ugly. So at least you have an increased probability that something favourable might actually happen.

2)You don’t budge. You remain stagnant, with your pins deadstuck to the ground. Why? The forces of fear are too grippin’ and you can’t bear to even think about the possibility of failure. The coward you consumes even your slightest hope. So here you are, swimming in your own ’safe’ waters, not knowing if there’s a shark ahead or a treasure chest of pure gold. You never know because you never try to even peek or look for it.

3)You move backwards, you run away, you return to the place you hate even though it’s unpleasant. Reason? Perhaps you think that what you used to have was much better than what you’ve got now. So you live in the past, replaying memories (happy, sad, angry ones, etc). Reality eludes you, you build a fence and the broken record simply plays and plays… How can good happen if the focus is only on the grey and the sad?

To put it simply, C-H-A-N-G-E can be a frightening thing, but that said, I think change redefines you. There are new rules to the game, but you’ll learn as you go along. Everyone learns. We all fail, we all cry, we all regret. But at the end of the day/month/year, you’ve got to understand that with all that’s said and done, you cannot turn back time. The only reasonable and wise thing you can decide to do, is to embrace change, and face the new season. None of us ever know what’s coming next – that’s the beauty of life. There’s a choice. The ball’s in your court.

Likewise, I think I’m ready for change. Actually, change has already happened. For some reason, this week has been refreshing for me. I’ve been reflecting quite a bit. Maybe it’s the result of my coming graduation and the prospect of a full-time job, or the epiphany that everything’s really not what it seems. Okay, it’s not like I’m new to this. All my life, I’ve been a real thinker. But it’s just that, there’s suddenly this different force coming at me. Was studying yesterday and I suddenly had an ‘oh my gosh’ moment. Am not trying to be dramatic, but I just know that this is IT. This is the moment where I can choose to shine, or fade away in the backdrop. I have to always remind myself to keep it real. I can’t allow myself to be jaded. Nope. I will not allow that.

So what now? what of change? what of the future? We’ll see, in 2 months time. I can’t wait.

serving

in my ‘ritual, performance & symbolic action’ tutorial class this week, i and two other classmates somehow got into a discourse about christianity, servanthood and what not. one of them was a protestant and the other, a fellow catholic. the protestant is a charismatic and somehow he seemed to be more open to what i had to say about the charismatic aspect of the catholic church. the catholic very much prefered the traditional way of simply going for mass and didn’t quite like the idea of charismatic, praise & worship included. i was surprised but on the hand, i knew it was not unexpected. the key problem is the lack of exposure. how i wished i could just show them what i see, allow them to take on a different perspective. but i guess it’s different for some people. perception is a tricky thing.

but that got me thinking. like, why the heck am i so enthusiastic about serving in ministry? what’s there that’s keeping me from straying or running away?

 i’ve been serving in ministry for the past 5 years and i’ve seen many people come and go. some are familiar faces that i didn’t get a chance to know and others are friends who have somehow drifted.  i’ve given it much thought and i realised that i see God not simply as my Father but as my best friend and Fridays (we have our sessions every fridays) are special because it’s like a special time where i chill out with God and his people. i love Him alot. i’m just amazed at how he can love us so unconditionally. and i’ve seen many of his faithful servants who serve loyally and never cease to press on. it inspires me and gives me motivation.

i am happy to be in a loving community that embraces me for who i am and i wish i can do more to spread His love. well, YISS is coming soon. from dec 6 to 9, so i guess, it’s time to roll up my sleeves and start to spread the word.

moon

school has begun - well to put it correctly, it began already – 4 weeks ago.

time flies. again and again. mid-term deadlines are looming. i’m astonished at how fast everything happens. it’s my last semester and i’m taking 4 heavy modules. i pray that i’ll get by.

haven’t really updated this space because nothing much has been happening. well, nothing worth ruminating about anyway. been checking out stuff online as usual. discovered the ever humorous Catherine Tate, a British comedienne whom i totally love, found out about the exuberant Lily Allen whose songs i’ve been listening to, over and over again. oh, and i became hooked on several Korean dramas, all featuring hot and gorgeous lead actors. think Oh Ji Ho and Dennis Oh – go google them, girls, and you’ll thank me for it. but hell, i still think Daniel Henney’s the hottest of them all.

on the flipside, other than my ‘happening’ life on my laptop, my actual life has been filled with running, the recent food blogger dinner and school lectures + tutorials. well, it’s a’right i guess. but there is something i’m quite tired of. i don’t need to go into details, but i suppose everything can take place only in its own time.

just discovered Neko Case, a fine lovely singer and like her song, right now, i wish i was a moon. i’d love to hang out with the twinkling stars…. at least they don’t tire me out.

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“I Wish I Was The Moon” – Neko Case

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become

I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
‘Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I’m so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me, I’m a free man
With no place free to go
I’m paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear

This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands & bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become

I’m so tired,
I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you found me at least
‘Cause I’ll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I’m so tired, I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight