found

at the end of this month, i would be turning 27.

that’s not too far from 30.

scary as it might seem, i am actually looking forward to growing up (in laymen terms, old. heh).

the place i am at right now, is a happy place. less turbulent than when I was 21 or 22.

and there are many reasons for it.

i have a job that i love and

a man who loves me dearly.

i am truly blessed.

i’ve never felt this connected to anyone in my life. he has become my rock. and as Aqualung would put it – he has the 7 keys to my soul:

the song expresses how i truly feel.

when i thought i could never love or trust again, my dark handsome night strode in

and the poet in me found the words to express this feeling:

Found
my heart found its home
when i met you again
after 6 years

my life became brighter
the night you held me close
and danced an unforgettable dance

my soul found a companion
the night we gazed at stars
and caught the sunrise at the crack of dawn

the roles you now play in my life
are endless…
you are my best friend,
my confidante,
my star,
my midnight calm

it’s true what they say -
love that’s pure is
worth the wait
and the tears

i discovered something beautiful ,
spectacular and extraordinary.
when i found you.

i have found true love.

__________________________________

whoever says true love does not exist, was not patient enough.

i am content with what i found, after so long.

i really do think it’s meant to be. i think god had it planned all along…

bare-skinned.

the one big thing i learnt from 2010 is to be true to myself.

it does not pay to hide from my weaknesses or to runaway from my hurts.

at the end of the day, i have to peel the outer layers and look myself as a core and ask if i am truly happy doing what i do and being where i am.

the most daring thing i did last year was to leap into a slightly different industry.

and it seems like i got lucky.

i leapt into the deep end and found solid ground.

thankfully, the same goes for my heart.

i dived in even when i still felt numb. when i thought i had no more love to give.

truth is, you have to skin yourself bare, to feel the pain and in the process, you will find yourself amidst the scabs and blood.

Meredith couldn’t have said it better:

“The skin is the largest organ in the body. It protects us, holds us together; literally lets us know what we are feeling. The skin can be soft and vulnerable, highly sensitive, easy to break. Skin doesn’t matter to a surgeon. We will cut right through it, go inside, find out the secrets under it. It takes delicacy and sensitivity.  No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there’s millions of electrified nerve endings in there, opened and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain. Sometimes it’s just unavoidable. Sometimes, that’s the only thing left – just dealing.”

- Grey’s Anatomy.

what i choose.

after yesterday’s post, i kept thinking about what i typed.

it is not often that i feel off-tangent.

then i recalled this week’s season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. yes, the show i derive lots of inspiration from.

Derek Shepherd (a.k.a. McDreamy)’s quote rang loud and clear: 

“The human life is made up of choices – yes or no, in or out, up or down. And then there are other choices that matter – to love or hate, to be a hero or a coward, to fight or to give in, to live or die. Live or die, hero or coward, fight or give in…. Live or die – that’s the important choice. And it is not always in our hands.”

life and death.

we do not get to choose.

when or how or why.

death hasn’t been far of late. grannie passed last month and my uncle left us last week.

so i have been thinking. of what it means to leave this earth. i realised that i am not afraid of death. but i am very afraid of leaving this world without ever making an impact. i want to know that my life was meaningful. not just for myself but for others. true love is loving others more than yourself.

there are many things that i used to want for myself. slowly, the list got shorter.

i have not lost my ambition

i have not lost my motivation or determination to pursue my wildest dreams.

the only thing that has changed is the way i am going to do it.

there has to be a plan to even a silly dream. so what if i am not the smartest, richest, prettiest person in the world.

so what.

i will do it my way.

it starts today.

there can be no compromise. i have a good mentor at work now. and she has taught me alot within these past months.

it is painful to face the truth of my weakness. but try as i might. i will get to where i want to be. through sheer grit and hard work.

i cannot give up. i will not and i can never.

this is a new beginning for me.

this is version 2.0 of myself.

more on what that means,

later.

certainty one of the obstacles of happiness

my mood has yo-yoed alot of late.

there are days when i am elated. some days i just feel shitty. then there are moments of helplessness. tears will well up in my eyes.

i feel weird about it. but only because i am always sure of where i stand in the world that i am in. it is in my nature to try my darnest to push away grey clouds.

misery is not my best friend. i do not intend to be bosom buddies with it.

my refusal to accept gloom is a decision i made a long time ago.

today i am faced with one important factor that we all need – happiness. i think i used to be happier than i was now. before i became jaded, i thought the world was a bright and shiny harmless fishbowl. scrap that.

that’s probably what i thought was i was in kindergarten.

no, the truth is, i want to be able to be 100% happy. i do not want to rely on things of this world to be happy. nothing of that sort can make us blissful for the rest of our lives. i hate to be reliant on material goods to be happy.

simplicity is what i crave for. i am adverse to false pursuit of happiness. understandably, the definition of happiness varies with each individual. but i was just looking at my draft category for this site and came across something i typed out from an article in the Straits Times in July last year. In it, Shanghai-born psychologist Christopher Hsee was interviewed in The Straits Times (page A16) and his answers made me sit up and think hard about man’s pursuit of happiness. some insights were gleaned.

Here’s an excerpt:

Q: How much does living in an increasingly uncertain world hobble our happiness?

A: I’m not sure we face more uncertainty than our ancestors who had the uncertainty of survival. Uncertainty is not always bad. One of the obstacles to happiness is, in fact, certainty. Suppose someone could live in heaven where there’s all peace and certainty. He may be very happy at the beginning, but in the long run, people who adapt too much get bored.

Q: So being less able to adapt is good?

A: The point is that to increase or maintain happiness we should pursue events which are resistant to adaptation. For example, if you have a very expensive granite countertop in your kitchen, you will adapt to the joy you get from it after a while. But if you have a puppy which is dynamic and variable, you cannot adapt to it easily and so it can give you pleasure for a longer time. Most social events are less prone to adaptation, so having pets or enjoying the arts give us greater joy in the long run.

_______________________________________________

I think this might be a sign.

Because at this point in time, i am not so certain about some parts of my life. part of me feels dead actually. not because i want it to. it is only this way because i am not the bright shiny person i once was.

i still try to be.

but the reality is this.

the cheeriness has faded.

the innocence and naviety splattered on.

a new version of me is emerging

i know who i am

but i don’t know what i will become.

it is still me. i will always be me.

the question is will it be a genuinely happy me?

perhaps this bit of uncertainty will get me by. or i could always get a pet cat. they are better companions than most humans anyway.

the truth is…

… you are a shallow self-absorbed individual who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved.

UrbanDictionary could not have said it better.

i was bored, and decided to google the definition of what you said to me. the very sentence that i found incomprehensible.

i don’t know what it means. but today i do. and i am glad you are out of my life. really really glad.

good riddance to a selfish prick like you.

you are a major cop out. you don’t deserve my love.

you will never find true love. ever. if you keep thinking this way.

moving on.

It has been over a week.
I am stronger as ever.
There have been bumps.
Rollercoaster-type emotions.
Sudden tears on the bus.
Frustration and anger and grudges.
Could not understand why and how.
But it’s okay now.
I’m putting an end to it. I’m moving on. I’m done.
No more feeling like this.
No more feeling more than I should.
No more tears for him.
I’m worth so much more than this.
I deserve someone so much more better than him.
That chapter of my life has ended. I have closed the pages.
A brand new beginning, with no regrets and pessimism.

A dear girlfriend just sent me this song which sort of sums up what i’m feeling. i’m ever so ready to move on, full speed ahead….

若你碰到他 – 蔡健雅

我的脆弱堅強　互相作戰
理性與感性　失去平衡感
不想讓自己　活在過去的遺憾
問宇宙　他是否還愛我嗎
這問題　早就有答案

若你碰到了　替我問候他
告訴他　我過得很美滿
已忘記他　已把淚水全部擦乾
若你碰到了　替我問候他
祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他　不再愛也不再等待
就這樣吧　若你碰到他

愛　沒有絕對　雖曾經以為
我終於體會　愛不能倒退
該讓它頹廢　收起心碎

就這樣吧　若你碰到他

________________________________

If you met him – Tanya Chua

My fragility and strength, they fight this battle together,
Reason and perception, lost my equilibrium
Don’t want to allow myself to live in my past regrets
Asked the universe if he still loves me
I knew the answer to this question long ago

If you see him, send him my regards
Tell him I am very happy
I’ve forgotten him, I’ve washed all my tears away
If you see him, send him my regards,
Bless him and his other half
I don’t really care and I don’t love him and I will no longer wait
So be it if you see him

Although I once thought that love was absolute
I finally realise that love cannot go backwards
I ought to put away the heartbreak
So be it if you see him

_______________________________

it really is okay…

to feel vulnerable.

to want to cry out.

to want to reach out and feel better.

i am thankful for great girlfriends who care.

for a beloved baby sister who’s the closest thing i ever have.

suddenly, i don’t feel like a broken vase anymore.

suddenly, i feel brand new.

God has been so kind and shown me what I needed to know.
He has once again lit the path for me.

Yesterday, when I needed it most, He spoke to me, through this song which I just randomly clicked on once i switched on my i-pod.  it brought tears to my eyes.

amazing. that what God is.

Here’s the lyrics. Great for any of you out there who feel empty or lost or sad or alone or hurt or angry …

_________________________

Cry out to Jesus

To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough

For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely (when you’re lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus

mending the broken.

everything i thought i would not feel,
i felt.
everything i did not want to feel,
i felt.
everything i wish it was,
it wasn’t.
everything about it that wasn’t right,
i wish i could fix.
but things like this, aren’t meant to be fixed, when they did not fit
in the first place.

it took 8 months.
not too long a time to get sucked into it all,
but a long enough for me to feel what i have never felt before.

my heart is not as strong as i thought it was.
it’s not as feeble,
but not as solid as i hope it is.

i knew,
but i chose to ignore.
i sensed,
but i chose denial.

so now i have to pay the consequences.

at this point, God has proved once again,
that against all odds, even in moments of despair,
of heartbreak,
i can always turn to my Beloved.
my One and only.

so again i apologise to You my Beloved,
please just embrace me now tight,
as i try to bounce back,
and reel away from the pain.
the pain i pray will go away.
Amen.

saying ‘i love you’

funny how many things change as you grow older.

you are more wary about what you say, what you do and how you dress.

there is so much caution. so much preparation. so much worry.

too little spontaneity and fun.

as kids, we readily tell everybody we love that we love them.

kids are a loving bunch.

but as i grew older and as i dated,

and as each boy came and went, i find myself saying those three words less often.

perhaps it’s the doubt that had started to creep in. i wondered whether i actually meant it.

i’m sure i did. but i cannot be too sure if i understood its meaning.

all those times that i thought i was in love, i was actually searching.

and you know  you have found love when you are able to say it with such emotion

that it resonates and burns through you.

finally, i can say that i have found the one to whom the words mean more than just the sum of its phonetics or alphabets.

there were some issues. there were plenty of doubts. but we managed to talk it out and understand one another better.

now, i can say with all my heart and soul,

that meeting you was one of the best things that has happened

and i love you.

what is love exactly?

beats me.

i know that the only source of love i can ever trust wholeheartedly is the one from up above.

human love can be so frustrating. for all the wrong and right reasons. it wouldn’t bother you so much if it didn’t matter so much. but then again, it’s precisely because it matters so much that it frustrates you.

there is never a perfect measurement of certainty either.

i’ve never been the insecure girlfriend. neither have i been needy for attention. i don’t complain when i don’t hear from my boyfriend the entire day. but why do i kick up such a fuss when i don’t receive a reply from him? it irks me even more when i find out what the reason is. it’s pure laziness i say. fine, if you have a lot of things on your mind, then just say so.

i find it tiring sometimes. i don’t ask for much. i really don’t need material goods. all i want is just affirmation, confirmation that you care, and truly love me. i have a tendency to love freely. sometimes too freely and readily. please don’t make me ration out this love.

maybe i should stick to loving the one who has and will love me the most forever and ever till the day i die.

maybe i will focus my eyes on you dear Jesus.

and remember that true love comes from you.